Friday, January 8, 2010

New Year - Same Old Moi

People tend to always want to reinvent themselves around the first of the year. Isn't that what resolutions are really all about? Casting a wish for betterment out into the Cosmos and hoping somehow that will bring about the change we so desperately desire? Don't get me wrong. There is plenty about me that I want and need my Creator to daily transform. But lately I have just not been myself at all. Do you know that feeling? Feeling like you are walking around in a bad dream as someone else? Well that is how I have felt anyway.

School per usual took over my life last semester. What I am slowly realizing is that it is not all "schools" fault. I am a perfectionist and also tend to focus on one thing at a time. So whatever is taking up the major chunk of time in my life tends to be where my focus lands. Sounds appropriate unless you realize that I have two kids who are rapidly morphing into people all together different than the ones I brought into this world. And a very patient husband... and a ninety-four year old Grandmother who was like another mother to me. Sigh, do you see my dilemma?

To say it rather rudely, I just suck at balance. When I used to homeschool my kids and bake bread from scratch and make every meal from fresh organic ingredients (I only know this because I recently found my entire life in pics from 2007 in a random place on my computer), I felt rather smug, as if I had it all together. It seemed good and right because I spent 100% of my energy on my kids/family. What I know now looking back is that my friendship with my husband was sorely neglected and I had no time whatsoever for myself. Balance - why must you allude me so?

I am of the belief that part of this is strictly nature - genetic inborn temperament, while still other is nurture. My Dad is exactly this way. Well actually, my Dad and my Mom. My Dad in a more helpless way like myself. He simply can't juggle. Plod away at one thing well and let all the other balls land where they may. I swear we don't even notice the cacophony of balls ricocheting around us in deadly fashion. We are just that focused on the one ball we have in motion. Proud of it really. My Mom, well she can certainly hold more than one thing in her mind at a time (and does). She juggles. She just tends to put the lion's share of energy into the task she deems most valuable or necessary at that juncture. Makes sense I guess - unless you are one of the other smaller less important balls.

But I digress, this is not a session with Freud nor are these challenges I face my parent's fault (sheesh now I know where my son gets this from). I just need to allow Creator to realign my thinking and make some changes. He's done it before - I know He's the man for the job:) All this silly rambling really leads me to my point that I am celebrating feeling like myself once more. Not some solely obsessed she-devil - but M.E. I never knew how fond of M.E. I had grown;) I am so grateful this new year for the holiday's that afforded me time to slow things down significantly. I am so grateful for the Arctic blast of air that has turned my rural town into an ice rink for the past week - and afforded me time to snuggle up with the ones I love most in this life. I am thankful for a Creator who gave me a husband with the patience of Job - at least as far as I'm concerned. I am thankful for a niece who prays mighty prayers, a brother-in-law who doesn't view church as a one man show, and the faithfulness of the Holy Spirit. I am full of gratitude to feel spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically more myself than I have in over a decade.
So this - I welcome change that is eternal - not temporal. I thank Father that the wilderness did not kill me and that in fact it allowed me to see the miraculous lengths to which God will go in order to preserve His children. I am grateful for fourteen years of marriage - seven years running away, seven years working in sobriety. I realized the other day it has been like Leah and Rachel. We want the Rachel but we need the Leah. Gratitude for the Leah years - and so excited to see the many "children" that will be birthed over the next fourteen years. God is good - all the time.


angela said...

The Lord is good.

ajnabi said...

Same old vous is so very good, in my informed opinion. :-)